I climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro last October.
This information easily could’ve been excluded from this post, but let’s face it – it’s pretty bad ass and I’m writing the post. Why would I leave it out? So let’s reflect on that for a minute and then I’ll get to its relevance. Basking, basking. Alright, so I climbed with a group of new friends and within that group there was a girl from Atlanta who has a sense of humor very similar to mine. One month after the trip concluded (we climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro in Africa…) she sent me an email simply titled “major bro” with “I feel like you will appreciate this…” in the text box.
Its content was special: my first ever Bro GIF.
Here’s Deadspin’s brief description:
The emphatic whipping off of the sunglasses, the backward hat, the arched eyebrow, the curl of his lips as he unleashes what was surely an epic bro-yawp, the fact that he was wearing sunglasses in the first place—it’s all just too goddamn much.
Of course, if you are one of my former coworkers, you are already familiar with these Laker Bros because for several weeks I would paste the GIF link into your web browser and minimize the screen whenever you left your desk. Upon your return, you’d pull up your browser to these two epic bros and initially try to act annoyed but invariably cry your eyes out laughing while watching the GIF over and over. The reason for this is simple: Bro GIF’s are incredibly funny.
Long story short, this week my dream came true and a Pittsburgh Pirates Bro GIF surfaced.
It’s obviously amazing as well, so with this larger sample size and coast-to-coast flavor, let’s examine the ingredients of a truly great Bro GIF.
1) Positive brothusiasm requires the occasion to be an event. Lakers games are events and, now, so are home Pirates games. This is an important one, because brothusiasm can just as easily manifest itself negatively as it can positively. Negative brothusiasm makes for a terrible, ugly GIF that sometimes involves tasers and/or pepper spray. Tasers are cool, but much less watchable in a loop than two bros just being major bros.
2) Two bros – no more, no less. I don’t know if this one is true, but there are two bros in each of these GIFS and they work just fine for me. Each GIF has its clear Sonic (alpha bro) on the left and Tails (bro-kick) on the right, and they show their solid brolidarity by wearing jerseys of other grown men. There is order with two bros in a Bro GIF. I do not want to see just one solo dude bro’ing that hard willy-nilly like he’s just another guy at the park marking an “E-4″ in his score book. I’m not sure if I’d ever be able to sleep if I witnessed a bro brood flexing over someone else’s accomplishments.
3) Bad-ass posturing is required for the alpha bro. Laker Bros had the dramatic sunglasses removal, Pirates Bros have a three-pump punch out that would make Fieldin Culbreth jealous. In fact, this punch-out was so vigorous that it almost took out the hot babe that inexplicably (or some might say, predictably) was sitting next to him. Which reminds me…
4) Hot babes don’t hurt at all. A girl jumping and swaying to a strikeout is one of the most mesmerizing things I’ve ever seen, and this girl is pretty gorgeous. Every single person who has watched this GIF has noticed Strikeout Dancing Girl (KDG). She’s basically the Bro GIF equivalent of AJ McCarron’s girlfriend: the appealing byproduct of her man’s most glorious moment on the biggest stage.
5) Great seats. Bro GIF’s always lead to the question, “how did those two mega bros score those two unreal seats?” This allows for bro stereotyping and wild conjecture, mostly surrounding bro parents, fraternity allegiances, blackmail/bribery accusations and title alterations in your Fantasy Football League.
6) It’s better with a victim. I imagine someone got dunked on for the Laker Bro GIF, but I know for a fact that poor Charlie Culberson struck out looking in the Pirates Bro GIF. Culberson is the perfect, hapless victim for this GIF. A recently called-up rookie with bro hair himself, batting .063. The dynamic is completely different if it’s Carlos Gonzalez or Bryce Harper because the star takes away from the bros. Culberson’s head-hanging walk of shame with each step producing more self-doubt than the last allows for full-fledged, 100% bro derision.
7) After about the 37th GIF cycle, the Tom Green Show “Phil” component becomes important. Phil Giroux used to sit in the background of Tom Green’s set and would add flavor to the comedy just by being there. For a great GIF, you need some Phil’s. Check out the guy in the Pirate Bro GIF wearing the yellow shirt to the right of the screen and try not to laugh at his quick jab point toward the end of the GIF. You can also visibly see how uncomfortable some of the other nearby fans are, who clearly don’t quite understand that sometimes two bros just gotta bro.
8) The “this is awesome” Bro Face. Laker Sonic Bro has it the entire time, Pirates Sonic Bro has it through out his entire punch out, and Pirates Tails Bro has it up until the point he starts to worry about Culberson’s reaction. The fact that both Pirates Bros pull it off makes me lean to them as the dominant Bro GIF, but yeah I’m biased. The face actually can’t be described with written word other than the fact that it’s a combination of joy, disapproval and unbelieving. It looks best when you imagine that they’re saying, “broooo!” or “broooo?!” I believe that this face, the essence of a Bro GIF, is actually accessible to all of us under the most perfect circumstances. Until then, we’ll all wait patiently living life as latent major bros wondering when it will finally be our time to shine.